Happy day of my peoples!
(that’s what my brother likes to call St Patrick’s Day, and he dressed up as a leprauchaun two years in a row so his Irish spirit is strong)
As an Irish expat, I’ve found there are two ways of surviving March 17th. Embrace it, and all the slightly racist jokes it entails, or spend the day bitter, drunk and prone to violent outbursts.
If you’re suffering from St Patrick’s Day fatigue, here’s a handy quiz to determine whether you should even bother getting out of bed.
1. When your co-workers shriek at you: “It’s St PATRICK’S! Why aren’t you drinking Guinness?” Do you:
a) Refrain from pointing out that it is 8am and smile indulgently.
b) Look puzzled, because you are drinking Guinness. You’ve been drinking it since 6am. You’re puzzled also because you didn’t realise what day it was, or that you had co-workers.
c) Write a stern letter to management and enroll everyone in the seminar, Blurred Lines: When Social Drinking Becomes a Workplace Problem.
2. What do you wear on St Patrick’s Day?
a) Something green, and a bracelet inscribed WWSPD (What Would St Patrick Do).
b) Same thing I wear every day. Right down to the undies. I should probably do some laundry.
c) Some dressy number that will take me from the office to the bar where I will take a sip of Guinness, pretend that I enjoy it, and then leave to go watch House of Cards with my cat.
3. What’s your favourite Irish meal?
a) Potatoes. Meat. Pie. Soda Bread. Corned Beef. Cabbage. Colcannon. ALL THE FOODS.
c) Do the Irish have anything gluten-free, low-carb and AIP compliant?
4. Have you ever mocked an Irish person or told an Irish joke?
a) Of course not! That would be racially insensitive and very inappropriate.
b) So Paddy says to Mick…..
c) Jokes are for the weak.
Mostly a’s – Congratulations! You are a fully functioning, responsible adult member of society. Get out there, enjoy yourself.
Mostly b’s – Lock the door, call a friend and have your loved ones organise an intervention. You should probably not go anywhere unattended. Ever.
Mostly c’s – If anyone needs a drink tonight it’s you. Look at it as medicinal.