Anyone who gets off their butt and goes to the gym is a hero. Period.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t all have a good laugh at ourselves and the way that gyms are a minefield of troublesome social interactions.
I’ve been all of these people at some point in my long love affair with the gym. As you read down this list, perhaps you should ask yourself: which one are you?!
1. The Grunter.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Is that a wounded bear having sex beside me, or is someone getting a bit too vocal about their hamstring stretch?
Most Frequently Spotted: Just out of your eye line – you can hear them, but you can’t see them and if you can’t see them, you can’t avoid them. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Subcategories: The Talker (who think nothing of talking over the instructor and/or answering their phone in the middle of the class); The Giggler (yes, downward dog is comedic, you don’t need to guffaw every time); The Complainer (loudly bitches about each move, along with exaggerated eye rolling).
2. The Space Invader
Distinguishing Characteristics: Sees a large, empty gym floor; chooses a spot so close to you you can see their armpit hair with every bicep curl.
Most Frequently Spotted: Unfurling their yoga mat right next to yours.
Subcategories: The Didn’t Get The Memo (everyone’s mats face north, this guy’s looks south)
3. The Fashionista
Distinguishing Characteristics: Dressed head to toe in this season’s Lululemon. Need I say more?
Most Frequently Spotted: Anywhere they have mirrors.
Subcategories: The Lycra Lover (like a bad boyfriend, your pants are too clingy); The Show-Off (ran a bunch of races, got a bunch of free shirts, never stops wearing them and telling you all about it)
4. The Lance Armstrong
Distinguishing Characteristics: Competitive, ripped and very, very aggressive. If you’re seeing a lot of these, your gym should probably introduce random drug tests.
Most Frequently Spotted: Glaring at you from the weight rack and making sure you know they’re doing 100 reps to your 10.
Subcategories: The Hogger (want that weight? That’s mine. Want that yoga mat? Nope, that’s mine too)
5. The Goldilocks
Distinguishing Characteristics: ‘This weight is too light, this weight is too heavy.”, “This yoga mat is too soft, this mat is too flat, this mat is too slippery.” ARE YOU SEEING A PATTERN?!
Most Frequently Spotted: Backing a staff member/instructor into a corner and demanding the impossible.
Subcategories: The Debbie Downer (the weights will give you back problems, the mats will give you herpes, using the communal showers will give you verucas. Way to suck the joy out of my workout).
Weigh in: Did I miss any? Which one are you?
Like this? You might also like:
- 10 Things I Learnt From Pilates (and the gym in general)
- Getting Back Together With the Gym: 5 Ways to Make It Less Painful
- Overheard in Whole Foods