Crispy Beef Water, and Other Food Failures

you’re tempted, admit it

Ever heard of microwaveable scrambled eggs (they come in a handy on-the-go packet!) or fortune cookies for dogs (“you will meet a dark, handsome shitzu”)? Nah, me either and we won’t be buying them any time soon because these are the products relegated to the Room 101 of food failures.

Apparently the failure rate for new products in the food industry is a whopping 50%.  This proves we’re a tough crowd and that can only be a good thing. I’m all for conscious consumerism.

Microwaveable eggs, and other wonders, never hit the big time. Either because they bombed at the trial period or some savvy exec came to his senses and screamed: “You want to sell people WHAT?!”

But of course the internet remembers….the internet always remembers.

I’ve dug around in the metaphorical empty shelves of food product warehouses and found these beauties for you.

  1. Just when you thought soda couldn’t get any more disgusting, wrap your lips around this – Lifesaver Soda. Yep, soda flavoured like the candy. When people became diabetic just looking at it, they removed it from shelves.

    teeth-rotting good!

  2. Clairol a Touch of Yoghurt Shampoo failed to make a splash in 1979. Apparently people just couldn’t get behind the idea of putting food on their hair (a crying shame – avocado, olive oil, beer and vinegar are all great for your hair). Also some people apparently tried to eat it. *facepalm*
  3. You know you love your pet when you buy them their own bottled water. Thirsty Dog! and Thirsty Cat! came in flavours such as Crispy Beef and Tangy Fish. I’m pretty sure that would just confuse my dog, he’d end up trying to chew the water.

    is it just me or does this cat looked glued to the sides of the bottles?

  4. Mixed Vegetable Jello. ’nuff said.
  5. Perhaps it was the fact it looked like anti-freeze, perhaps it was the sickly candy flavour. Whatever the reason, Pepsi Blue came and went with barely a murmur. Well done consumers, is all I can say.

    the one on the left looks like he’s in pain – probably because his kidneys have failed him

  6. Filed under “what in the hell were they thinking?” is the case of the breath mints which were deliberately designed to look like crack cocaine. Just say no kids.
  7. In a canny marketing ploy, the great minds at Colgate decided to raise the profile of the brand by having people eat a Colgate meal before brushing with Colgate toothpaste. Thus the Colgate TV dinner was born..and then quickly died.

    delicious no?

Your turn: encountered any food products that you think deserve to die? Would you try any of those on the list? What fortune would your dog get?

This post also featured on The Healthy Home Economist.


14 thoughts on “Crispy Beef Water, and Other Food Failures

  1. This is HYSTERICAL! I had no idea. What a great way to start this day, with such a belly laugh!

    I would love to see foods with Red No. 2 and Blue No. 6 and Yellow No. 4 or whatever just stop using those artificial add-ins, and see how they sell. Would we really mind if our Doritos were just a little less Dayglo orange? And as much as I love bacon, I wouldn’t mind if they stopped selling bacon-flavored gum, toothpaste, chocolate, or coffee. Church and state, man. Good, just keep ’em separate.

    You joke about fortune cookies for dogs, but I wouldn’t put it past my town (Saratoga Springs NY) for having stores that sell such things. We must have at least 2 or more stores dedicated to selling high-end pet products, including clothes and $3 frosted doggie cookies that look beautiful and yummy enough for human consumption. I’d love to see those go away. Loves me the four-legged friends, but not the ones who are excessively pampered by their silly two-legged counterparts.

    • Yes, yes and yes! I agree with all the above points. I love our mutt but the most I’ll do for him is buy organic dog treats (and that’s because I don’t want him to grow horrible tumours, understandably). Hubs and I did talk about buying him a necktie the other night but that would never leave the house. It’d be for our own private amusement, so we could relentlessly mock him until he wonders why we are falling about laughing rather than giving him the aforementioned organic treats. P.S Bacon TOOTHPASTE?! oh lord, the end-of-days has come

  2. Pingback: Bottled Wine, Beer and Soft Drinks Made for Dogs and Cats | SHOPPING NEWS

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